Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490
The Moment of Shock
Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Twelve)
I will in the next
post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so
affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our
relationship with others.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see, realise and understand how all my mind-suppressions within and during a
long-term
relationship – contributed to the moment of shock, trauma and stress that
my physical body endured; the moment I knew and realised that the individual will
not be in my life anymore. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to in that moment separate myself from me, from breath, from the
physical body – where I went into a state where it for a moment felt like
everything went quiet within me, this darkness overwhelming me, my heart
racing, my
breathing becoming heavy and fast, my body shaking – with still a part of
me holding onto hope, while everything within me was showing ‘it is done’.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to then take a moment and introspect / investigate this shift that manifested
within me, where I was in a state of silence – everything stopping within me,
yet my physical body was embodying the state / condition of shock, trauma and stress.
How, what happens within and during a long-term relationships – is a ‘timelessness’
is created within the Mind, where you make yourself believe that you control
the timing of death and/or the unpredictability
of life and so therefore can hold onto the individual in such a way where
death and/or separation by circumstance does not exist within and as you.
Fascinating how, the more you say ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you
will be alive and well until then’ / ‘we will always be together’ / ‘nothing
can ever happen that will separate me from you’…what such words in fact
translate is the extent of fear that is existent within the Mind in relation to
death / separation by circumstance that you try and cover up with ‘beautiful
words’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the words ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’
/ ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘you and the body are fine’ / ‘you
have to make sure you don’t die before then’ – nothing will happen to you
anytime soon’ as beautiful cover-ups for the reality of the fact that I do not
control death, I do not control the life path of an individual when it comes to
death; but I did not want to within myself accept the reality of this
relationship to death and the unpredictable nature of life and the fact that I
do not have any control / choice within it all – because I was afraid to accept
it and with that acceptance, was afraid of what it would reveal / expose about
me, my relationship with the other.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see, realise and understand how such statements of delusion was rooted in ‘hope’,
where – because of the fear
of death / separation by circumstance, I irresponsibly rather shifted into ‘hope’
within myself that I would perpetuate and feed with such statements spoken out
loud / within myself – as though some force within existence will hear my plea
and not let such things as Death / Separation by circumstance come to pass –
and only come to pass when I say that I am ready. Not seeing, realising and
understanding that I would never have been ready, because I did not face the
fears in my mind, I was not self-honest with my relationship to such fears – but instead hid it
behind hope and beautiful words.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the fear of death / separation
by circumstance from another behind hope / beautiful words – not realising how
such an accepted and allowed suppression would contribute to the physical
moment of shock, trauma and stress in that: I had created an alternate reality
in my Mind where I made myself believe, with hope
and beautiful words that I do in some way control life
and death, that I can decide when a moment of separation can come to pass –
but then…the unpredictable nature of life and death came knocking in/as the most
unexpected of moments – reminding me of the fact that I do not control death;
and it is in that moment that the shock, trauma and stress of loss can manifest
to such an extent; as all your suppressions were futile and the eventuality of
facing yourself, the suppressions is right here – physically manifested: nowhere
to run and nowhere to hide / suppress – but facing yourself and
your acceptances and allowances.
In the next post, I will continue with how this polarity-separation
of hope and fear contribute to a split that manifests within and as self, a
split from self, the body and so reality – into an alternate reality in the
mind, that contribute to the extent of impact shock, trauma and stress manifest
within self and so the physical body; and how to assist and support oneself to
practically prepare oneself and so face the reality of the fact that death is
unpredictable and so minimize the effect of shock, trauma and stress the moment
something unpredictable happens in your relationship with yourself / another.
