Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Twelve)

I will in the next post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how all my mind-suppressions within and during a long-term relationship – contributed to the moment of shock, trauma and stress that my physical body endured; the moment I knew and realised that the individual will not be in my life anymore. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment separate myself from me, from breath, from the physical body – where I went into a state where it for a moment felt like everything went quiet within me, this darkness overwhelming me, my heart racing, my breathing becoming heavy and fast, my body shaking – with still a part of me holding onto hope, while everything within me was showing ‘it is done’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to then take a moment and introspect / investigate this shift that manifested within me, where I was in a state of silence – everything stopping within me, yet my physical body was embodying the state / condition of shock, trauma and stress. How, what happens within and during a long-term relationships – is a ‘timelessness’ is created within the Mind, where you make yourself believe that you control the timing of death and/or the unpredictability of life and so therefore can hold onto the individual in such a way where death and/or separation by circumstance does not exist within and as you. Fascinating how, the more you say ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘we will always be together’ / ‘nothing can ever happen that will separate me from you’…what such words in fact translate is the extent of fear that is existent within the Mind in relation to death / separation by circumstance that you try and cover up with ‘beautiful words’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘you and the body are fine’ / ‘you have to make sure you don’t die before then’ – nothing will happen to you anytime soon’ as beautiful cover-ups for the reality of the fact that I do not control death, I do not control the life path of an individual when it comes to death; but I did not want to within myself accept the reality of this relationship to death and the unpredictable nature of life and the fact that I do not have any control / choice within it all – because I was afraid to accept it and with that acceptance, was afraid of what it would reveal / expose about me, my relationship with the other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how such statements of delusion was rooted in ‘hope’, where – because of the fear of death / separation by circumstance, I irresponsibly rather shifted into ‘hope’ within myself that I would perpetuate and feed with such statements spoken out loud / within myself – as though some force within existence will hear my plea and not let such things as Death / Separation by circumstance come to pass – and only come to pass when I say that I am ready. Not seeing, realising and understanding that I would never have been ready, because I did not face the fears in my mind, I was not self-honest with my relationship to such fears – but instead hid it behind hope and beautiful words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the fear of death / separation by circumstance from another behind hope / beautiful words – not realising how such an accepted and allowed suppression would contribute to the physical moment of shock, trauma and stress in that: I had created an alternate reality in my Mind where I made myself believe, with hope and beautiful words that I do in some way control life and death, that I can decide when a moment of separation can come to pass – but then…the unpredictable nature of life and death came knocking in/as the most unexpected of moments – reminding me of the fact that I do not control death; and it is in that moment that the shock, trauma and stress of loss can manifest to such an extent; as all your suppressions were futile and the eventuality of facing yourself, the suppressions is right here – physically manifested: nowhere to run and nowhere to hide / suppress – but facing yourself and your acceptances and allowances.

In the next post, I will continue with how this polarity-separation of hope and fear contribute to a split that manifests within and as self, a split from self, the body and so reality – into an alternate reality in the mind, that contribute to the extent of impact shock, trauma and stress manifest within self and so the physical body; and how to assist and support oneself to practically prepare oneself and so face the reality of the fact that death is unpredictable and so minimize the effect of shock, trauma and stress the moment something unpredictable happens in your relationship  with yourself / another.

Relationships: a Quick-Fix for Inner Chaos - DAY 489

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Eleven)

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a ‘quick fix’ – where it’s been easier to feel something positive for someone, whether in my imaginations / fantasies and/or in reality, than it has been actually doing introspection into my own Mind and walking a process with myself and my relationship to the things in my Mind that I try and keep hidden from myself and so from others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to self honestly introspect this relationship between positive fantasies / imaginations of relationships and/or the initial physical experience of a relationship – having a look at how in a quantum moment I can construct an ‘idyllic fantasy / imagination’ in my Mind and/or bring up thoughts and feelings when it comes to my physical relationship with someone; yet – when it comes to the real things, the problems / issues / troubles inside myself / the Mind: I just as quickly suppress them / move them aside – refusing to really look into them and so look at myself. Where, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have been approaching both the negative and positive polarities inside of myself with ‘quick fixes’ – “QUICKLY” fantasizing / imagining a relationship, “QUICKLY” getting a relationship / sex and then “QUICKLY” suppressing / ignoring my emotions / problems / issues within myself.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take a moment for myself and in fact see, realise and understand how I have never given myself the space and time to really sort through myself, get to know myself and so understand myself – and in so doing, I have never given myself the space and the time to really ask myself what I want out of a relationship practically, how it would be creating a relationship, living together, establishing short-term and long-term goals and of course merging my vision with that of my partner – both equally, actively participating in individual as well as collective growth as we use the relationship as a platform from which we support ourselves and each other to learn, develop and expand in who we are and how/what we live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take such a quick-fix approach to the relationship with myself, my Mind and so others in my life – never putting in the time, patience and understanding; especially the EFFORT to actually walk with myself, my life and others; not seeing, realising and understanding how this has led to a form of conflict and chaos existing inside myself and my relationships, where most of the time I do not understand why / how I think things, say things and do things towards myself and others that I can see sabotage / compromise me and others. In this, I then try / attempt to find ways / methods to ‘deal with / handle and/or just get through’ the conflict and chaos that is existent in my mind, relationships and life in general.

Where, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that most of the conflict / chaos inside myself – is existent because I do not in fact know myself and understand myself in relation to how the Mind / Consciousness operates / functions; because all I do is suppress everything / cover it up in some way or another, not seeing / realising and understanding how all these / such suppressions eventually manifest into the unconscious mind and becomes a backdrop of information / data that seeps through into my conscious-reality and accordingly affects my thoughts, words and deeds that will infiltrate my world and my relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand – with investigating and introspecting my relationship to fantasies/imaginations of relationships / ‘real-life relationships’ that: I was all this time expecting the relationship to alleviate the chaos / conflict existent within me / my mind; when time and time again it was proven that relationships cannot be for me – what I am supposed to be for myself. In this, I commit myself to assist and support myself, to give myself the space and time to sort through myself, get to know and so understand the chaos / conflict so that I can assist and support myself to approach relationships as a platform for personal growth and expansion, finding out what it means to really create a life with another, rather than a ‘quick fix platform’ with the starting point of hope that another can save me from myself.

I will in the next post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our relationship with others.

Relationships are the Light that Shines Away the Darkness of Me - DAY 488

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Ten)

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another change with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used and abused both my Mind and Body – to hide from myself, from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me. With fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness being no exception – as this fear and emotional experience connected to being alone / lonely is one such thing that exists within me that I was trying to suppress within me by using my Mind to cover it up with positive feelings / experiences that I believed only a relationship / someone else could give me.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how the more I covered up and hid such fears / emotional experiences – the more they became repressed into the depths of my physical body, as far and as deep as possible. Yet within this not seeing/realising and understanding that “I can hide, but I can’t run” from myself and that eventually, such suppression of fears / emotions would contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress I embody on a mental and physical level when/as a loved one suddenly dies / I am separated from them by circumstance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with me when it came to my relationship with alone / lonely and the emotional energy I attached to such words as ideas within my Mind, especially when it came to the fact that I was suppressing such ideas and emotions by using either my Fantasies / the reality of my relationship with someone to ensure that such ideas and their emotions do not seep through into my Conscious reality – but remains hidden from myself as I for a moment bask in the delight of Fantasies and/or Reality when it comes to relationships – shining a light into my own Mind and World to ensure the reality of the darkness only just beyond the light of positive feelings / experience remains as far back and far away from my Conscious reality as possible.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used Fantasies / the Reality of a Relationship as a light switch – the moment I fantasize about relationships, a light goes on that shifts the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences farther back into my Mind and Body and/or the moment I have a relationship in reality – the light STAYS ON, because now I have a constant ‘light’ in my Mind and my World that ensures the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences in my Mind stays as far back and deep in my Mind and Body as possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness – contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress when a ‘loved one’ / ‘person close to me’ suddenly dies / am separated from them by circumstance – where, I was not aware of the extent to which I suppressed this fear within me and in that moment the separation from such a person manifested: the fears that I have suppressed into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and being came rushing back.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my dependency on another person as being my ‘light’ to shine away the darkness of my own Mind / World – only made matters worse for myself; because with every beginning there is an end; and when/as this person was lost from my mind and from my world – the light switch of positive energy / experiences and sensations went off and I was left alone with myself – no more ‘light’ to cover up the darkness, the fears, the emotions I suppressed and repressed in my Mind and Body; and so they all came rushing back in that one moment of realising the light in my Mind and World is not there anymore – and once again I was where I had been before: alone with me and everything that defined ‘me’ before I started the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and ‘hide’ from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me when it came to the relationship with me, my Mind and what goes on inside of me. Especially within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships and/or the fantasies thereof to hide from myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand myself, to understand the things I fear / react to inside myself, to take responsibility for the things I do not want to admit exists within me, to stand up from the things I gave up on within myself and my life and to find perspective, commonsense and clarity on the things I reacted to emotionally. To no more use / abuse my Mind and Body to suppress the darkness of me, to no more use / abuse Relationships as a place in this world to continue hiding from myself – but to make a stand within me, in my relationship to my own Mind – walk into the darkness and sort myself out with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application, so that my relationship with myself, my body and so others in my world / reality can be / become more than just places I’ve used to hide within – but find/discover who I am if I walk through my own fears and learn what it means to create with the potential I have in relation to my Mind, Body and others in my world  /reality.

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.

Relationships are the Cure for Loneliness: DAY 487

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Nine)

In the next post and posts to come – we will continue with the Self Forgiveness Process, focusing on that initial real purpose for/of relationship, what Negative things were covered up / suppressed by the Positive things experienced / that was dependent on the relationship and how this creates MENTAL-RELATIONSHIPS, and what would REAL PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIPS be if/6as our starting point for relationships was not based on emotional/feeling energy, but two individuals walking / living as EQUALS.

This is the cycle we get caught up in, ‘looking for love’ – love encompassing all the positive feelings filled into one bowl within our Minds, where all the positive feelings we’re looking for / searching for from another / in a relationship / sex unites in our Minds / Bodies for a moment to be able to drive / motivate ourselves to just not have to look at ourselves, our problems / issues…our own Minds and what really goes on in there. So, ‘love’ – the search for it / yearning for it and how it preoccupies / possesses our minds, in fact functions as a distraction…a distraction from ourselves, our own minds / who we are.

In and from this blog – we’re going to start the Self Forgiveness Process of exposing thoughts and emotions that often fuel the desire / yearning for relationships, such thoughts and emotions that we tend to not take self-responsibility for and so make ourselves believe that hiding and suppressing them within relationships will ‘make them go away / disappear’; when in fact – they always in some way or another come back / linger in the back of our minds…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of loneliness, being in that deep dark abyss of nothingness where it feels like I’m so disconnected from everything and everyone around me – as though I have been forgotten by the world, pushing me into the experience of being SO isolated – that I so YEARN for a connection, for a touch, for a kiss, being held – just that someone to ‘be here’ with me in this aloneness – where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this / such loneliness that only I know of within myself, that is so intimate and so deep within myself – will be ‘cured’ or even understood by another human being…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how it is that I am creating this aloneness as an emotional experience of loneliness within myself, my own Mind - based on the thoughts and emotions I participate in – such as “I am so alone / lonely” / “I need someone” / “I need to feel loved” / “no one loves me” / “why can’t I have someone that loves me”, essentially manipulating myself with my own thoughts and emotions. 

In so doing, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I am creating my own problem as the emotional experience of loneliness as the negative polarity and from there – my own ‘solution’ as the positive polarity – that being a ‘relationship’. But, it’s interesting that I never consider how and why it is that I am, with my own Mind, my own thoughts and emotions – creating this problem-solution polarity in my Mind with negative and positive emotions and feelings. 

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever introspect / investigate what it is I am creating – and so accepting and allowing in my own Mind with my thoughts and emotions when it comes to the negative polarity of the emotional experience of loneliness, feeling isolated / disconnected and so alone and considering how this would change – if I let go, forgive such thoughts and emotions – where my starting point for a relationship is then not based on my fear of being alone / lonely; using a relationship to suppress / hide this fear – but that I can approach a relationship with a decision to create something more with someone, rather than using someone / a relationship for me to hide from my own fears, my own thoughts and so my own emotions for which I am not taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question – how it is possible for relationships to be/become ‘more’ if/as the starting point thereof is ‘fear of loneliness’, because as long as the starting point for the relationship is ‘fear of loneliness’ / ‘being alone’ – then everything about the relationship would be dishonest, because all the words, experiences and behaviours will be driven by this fear in some way or another and so what this places into question is “what can I trust about myself / the relationship if everything that I am in the relationship is driven / motivated by this fear?” If anything, what relationships and the condition thereof within humanity has proven is that each one always in some way or another – ends up in the place within themselves that they fear: alone together with the emotional companion of loneliness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with myself when it comes to what it is that I am yearning for / searching for in a relationship with another – for example, looking at this fear of experiencing and facing this loneliness – even though I may find this ‘someone’, ‘the one’:  they never seem to really fulfil this deep, seemingly never-ending yearning for a connection and so I would eventually compromise and ‘settle for less’ where I would justify / excuse / validate how they ‘show their love’ as being ENOUGH – but still, this yearning, this want / need / desire for something MORE will remain within me and/or eventually be suppressed

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.