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Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490


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Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490
The Moment of Shock


Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Twelve)

I will in the next post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how all my mind-suppressions within and during a long-term relationship – contributed to the moment of shock, trauma and stress that my physical body endured; the moment I knew and realised that the individual will not be in my life anymore. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment separate myself from me, from breath, from the physical body – where I went into a state where it for a moment felt like everything went quiet within me, this darkness overwhelming me, my heart racing, my breathing becoming heavy and fast, my body shaking – with still a part of me holding onto hope, while everything within me was showing ‘it is done’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to then take a moment and introspect / investigate this shift that manifested within me, where I was in a state of silence – everything stopping within me, yet my physical body was embodying the state / condition of shock, trauma and stress. How, what happens within and during a long-term relationships – is a ‘timelessness’ is created within the Mind, where you make yourself believe that you control the timing of death and/or the unpredictability of life and so therefore can hold onto the individual in such a way where death and/or separation by circumstance does not exist within and as you. Fascinating how, the more you say ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘we will always be together’ / ‘nothing can ever happen that will separate me from you’…what such words in fact translate is the extent of fear that is existent within the Mind in relation to death / separation by circumstance that you try and cover up with ‘beautiful words’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘you and the body are fine’ / ‘you have to make sure you don’t die before then’ – nothing will happen to you anytime soon’ as beautiful cover-ups for the reality of the fact that I do not control death, I do not control the life path of an individual when it comes to death; but I did not want to within myself accept the reality of this relationship to death and the unpredictable nature of life and the fact that I do not have any control / choice within it all – because I was afraid to accept it and with that acceptance, was afraid of what it would reveal / expose about me, my relationship with the other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how such statements of delusion was rooted in ‘hope’, where – because of the fear of death / separation by circumstance, I irresponsibly rather shifted into ‘hope’ within myself that I would perpetuate and feed with such statements spoken out loud / within myself – as though some force within existence will hear my plea and not let such things as Death / Separation by circumstance come to pass – and only come to pass when I say that I am ready. Not seeing, realising and understanding that I would never have been ready, because I did not face the fears in my mind, I was not self-honest with my relationship to such fears – but instead hid it behind hope and beautiful words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the fear of death / separation by circumstance from another behind hope / beautiful words – not realising how such an accepted and allowed suppression would contribute to the physical moment of shock, trauma and stress in that: I had created an alternate reality in my Mind where I made myself believe, with hope and beautiful words that I do in some way control life and death, that I can decide when a moment of separation can come to pass – but then…the unpredictable nature of life and death came knocking in/as the most unexpected of moments – reminding me of the fact that I do not control death; and it is in that moment that the shock, trauma and stress of loss can manifest to such an extent; as all your suppressions were futile and the eventuality of facing yourself, the suppressions is right here – physically manifested: nowhere to run and nowhere to hide / suppress – but facing yourself and your acceptances and allowances.

In the next post, I will continue with how this polarity-separation of hope and fear contribute to a split that manifests within and as self, a split from self, the body and so reality – into an alternate reality in the mind, that contribute to the extent of impact shock, trauma and stress manifest within self and so the physical body; and how to assist and support oneself to practically prepare oneself and so face the reality of the fact that death is unpredictable and so minimize the effect of shock, trauma and stress the moment something unpredictable happens in your relationship  with yourself / another.

Relationships: a Quick-Fix for Inner Chaos - DAY 489


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Relationships: a Quick-Fix for Inner Chaos - DAY 489
The Moment of Shock


Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Eleven)

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a ‘quick fix’ – where it’s been easier to feel something positive for someone, whether in my imaginations / fantasies and/or in reality, than it has been actually doing introspection into my own Mind and walking a process with myself and my relationship to the things in my Mind that I try and keep hidden from myself and so from others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to self honestly introspect this relationship between positive fantasies / imaginations of relationships and/or the initial physical experience of a relationship – having a look at how in a quantum moment I can construct an ‘idyllic fantasy / imagination’ in my Mind and/or bring up thoughts and feelings when it comes to my physical relationship with someone; yet – when it comes to the real things, the problems / issues / troubles inside myself / the Mind: I just as quickly suppress them / move them aside – refusing to really look into them and so look at myself. Where, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have been approaching both the negative and positive polarities inside of myself with ‘quick fixes’ – “QUICKLY” fantasizing / imagining a relationship, “QUICKLY” getting a relationship / sex and then “QUICKLY” suppressing / ignoring my emotions / problems / issues within myself.
In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take a moment for myself and in fact see, realise and understand how I have never given myself the space and time to really sort through myself, get to know myself and so understand myself – and in so doing, I have never given myself the space and the time to really ask myself what I want out of a relationship practically, how it would be creating a relationship, living together, establishing short-term and long-term goals and of course merging my vision with that of my partner – both equally, actively participating in individual as well as collective growth as we use the relationship as a platform from which we support ourselves and each other to learn, develop and expand in who we are and how/what we live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take such a quick-fix approach to the relationship with myself, my Mind and so others in my life – never putting in the time, patience and understanding; especially the EFFORT to actually walk with myself, my life and others; not seeing, realising and understanding how this has led to a form of conflict and chaos existing inside myself and my relationships, where most of the time I do not understand why / how I think things, say things and do things towards myself and others that I can see sabotage / compromise me and others. In this, I then try / attempt to find ways / methods to ‘deal with / handle and/or just get through’ the conflict and chaos that is existent in my mind, relationships and life in general.
Where, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that most of the conflict / chaos inside myself – is existent because I do not in fact know myself and understand myself in relation to how the Mind / Consciousness operates / functions; because all I do is suppress everything / cover it up in some way or another, not seeing / realising and understanding how all these / such suppressions eventually manifest into the unconscious mind and becomes a backdrop of information / data that seeps through into my conscious-reality and accordingly affects my thoughts, words and deeds that will infiltrate my world and my relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand – with investigating and introspecting my relationship to fantasies/imaginations of relationships / ‘real-life relationships’ that: I was all this time expecting the relationship to alleviate the chaos / conflict existent within me / my mind; when time and time again it was proven that relationships cannot be for me – what I am supposed to be for myself. In this, I commit myself to assist and support myself, to give myself the space and time to sort through myself, get to know and so understand the chaos / conflict so that I can assist and support myself to approach relationships as a platform for personal growth and expansion, finding out what it means to really create a life with another, rather than a ‘quick fix platform’ with the starting point of hope that another can save me from myself.

I will in the next post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our relationship with others.

Relationships are the Light that Shines Away the Darkness of Me - DAY 488


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Relationships are the Light that Shines Away the Darkness of Me - DAY 488
The Moment of Shock



Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Ten)

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another change with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used and abused both my Mind and Body – to hide from myself, from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me. With fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness being no exception – as this fear and emotional experience connected to being alone / lonely is one such thing that exists within me that I was trying to suppress within me by using my Mind to cover it up with positive feelings / experiences that I believed only a relationship / someone else could give me.
In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how the more I covered up and hid such fears / emotional experiences – the more they became repressed into the depths of my physical body, as far and as deep as possible. Yet within this not seeing/realising and understanding that “I can hide, but I can’t run” from myself and that eventually, such suppression of fears / emotions would contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress I embody on a mental and physical level when/as a loved one suddenly dies / I am separated from them by circumstance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with me when it came to my relationship with alone / lonely and the emotional energy I attached to such words as ideas within my Mind, especially when it came to the fact that I was suppressing such ideas and emotions by using either my Fantasies / the reality of my relationship with someone to ensure that such ideas and their emotions do not seep through into my Conscious reality – but remains hidden from myself as I for a moment bask in the delight of Fantasies and/or Reality when it comes to relationships – shining a light into my own Mind and World to ensure the reality of the darkness only just beyond the light of positive feelings / experience remains as far back and far away from my Conscious reality as possible.
In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used Fantasies / the Reality of a Relationship as a light switch – the moment I fantasize about relationships, a light goes on that shifts the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences farther back into my Mind and Body and/or the moment I have a relationship in reality – the light STAYS ON, because now I have a constant ‘light’ in my Mind and my World that ensures the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences in my Mind stays as far back and deep in my Mind and Body as possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness – contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress when a ‘loved one’ / ‘person close to me’ suddenly dies / am separated from them by circumstance – where, I was not aware of the extent to which I suppressed this fear within me and in that moment the separation from such a person manifested: the fears that I have suppressed into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and being came rushing back.
In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my dependency on another person as being my ‘light’ to shine away the darkness of my own Mind / World – only made matters worse for myself; because with every beginning there is an end; and when/as this person was lost from my mind and from my world – the light switch of positive energy / experiences and sensations went off and I was left alone with myself – no more ‘light’ to cover up the darkness, the fears, the emotions I suppressed and repressed in my Mind and Body; and so they all came rushing back in that one moment of realising the light in my Mind and World is not there anymore – and once again I was where I had been before: alone with me and everything that defined ‘me’ before I started the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and ‘hide’ from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me when it came to the relationship with me, my Mind and what goes on inside of me. Especially within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships and/or the fantasies thereof to hide from myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand myself, to understand the things I fear / react to inside myself, to take responsibility for the things I do not want to admit exists within me, to stand up from the things I gave up on within myself and my life and to find perspective, commonsense and clarity on the things I reacted to emotionally. To no more use / abuse my Mind and Body to suppress the darkness of me, to no more use / abuse Relationships as a place in this world to continue hiding from myself – but to make a stand within me, in my relationship to my own Mind – walk into the darkness and sort myself out with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application, so that my relationship with myself, my body and so others in my world / reality can be / become more than just places I’ve used to hide within – but find/discover who I am if I walk through my own fears and learn what it means to create with the potential I have in relation to my Mind, Body and others in my world  /reality.

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.




How we use Relationships to Suppress the ‘Real Self’ (Part Two): DAY 485


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How we use Relationships to Suppress the ‘Real Self’ (Part Two): DAY 485
The Moment of Shock



  

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Seven)

In the next post and posts to come – we will continue with the Self Forgiveness Process, focusing on that initial real purpose for/of relationship, what Negative things were covered up / suppressed by the Positive things experienced / that was dependent on the relationship and how this creates MENTAL-RELATIONSHIPS, and what would REAL PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIPS be if/as our starting point for relationships was not based on emotional/feeling energy, but two individuals walking / living as EQUALS.

To reference a section from the previous post:

This is why we have a TOTAL mental and physical break-down that happens; because the ‘positive energy injections’ that for so long suppressed our real, true self experience is no more there and we are once more confronted and left with our ‘real selves’ that is almost ‘too much to take / handle’.

The process that we’re going to be walking now is an example-process of how you can practically assist and support yourself to identify what problems / issues you’re suppressing within yourself / your mind through using relationships and the positive feelings that accompanies it. Essentially identifying the ‘real self’, with the ‘real self’ being the ‘truth’ of yourself that you are suppressing / denying / ignoring by/through distracting yourself / your Mind with relationships / sex and the positive feelings that it produce. To be clear: I am not saying that it’s relationships that are the problem, nor am I saying that it is sex that is the problem - No, not at all. Relationships cannot exist without our participation. Sex cannot exist without our participation. So, relationships and sex is what it is based on what we make it to / create it to be. This is a fundamental point that many seem to miss as we have a knack for wanting to blame ‘the other’ / ‘the relationship’ / ‘the sex’ / ‘the money’ or something / someone else for what relationships / sex become – never actually stopping for a moment to ask: “But, who am I in relation to sex / relationships? What is my responsibility within what I participate in and create?” So, before we start the process of seeing / realising / understanding for self how we use / abuse relationships / sex to abdicate responsibility for who we are / our own minds and so how/what we live – let us have a look at the question: “Who am I in relation to sex / relationships? What is my responsibility within what I participate in and create?”

We have to question whether relationships and sex exist as it does in humanity today – where longstanding / worthwhile relationships of integrity, consideration, regard, respect, trust, intimacy etc. are far and few between, because the one lesson of who we are in regards to sex and relationships: has not yet been learned. So, relationships and sex has become somewhat demonic – but then again, we have to ask ourselves: is it that sex and relationships in-itself is ‘demonic’? No, it cannot be – because it is our very nature / who we are that creates relationships and sex. So, relationships and sex should be an extension and so a reflection of ourselves – our own creation. For many who have walked a process when it comes to relationships and sex can for a moment look at the past and the present and for yourself come to terms with the fact that what you see of what has become of you, the other, the relationship, the sex – is/has been your creation. Granted, it takes ‘two (or more) to tango’ – but we often in relationships blame and abdicate responsibility in some way or another, and do not reflect / introspect on why / how and what part you played in the relationship being / ending up the way it did. We simply move on the next…and the next…and the next ad nauseam.

This is the cycle we get caught up in, ‘looking for love’ – love encompassing all the positive feelings filled into one bowl within our Minds, where all the positive feelings we’re looking for / searching for from another / in a relationship / sex unites in our Minds / Bodies for a moment to be able to drive / motivate ourselves to just not have to look at ourselves, our problems / issues…our own Minds and what really goes on in there. So, ‘love’ – the search for it / yearning for it and how it preoccupies / possesses our minds, in fact functions as a distraction…a distraction from ourselves, our own minds / who we are. Obvious commonsense is: if you’re obsessed, in your mind, with ‘someone / something else’ ALL of the time (or most of the time) – together with the positive feelings that accompanies such obsession…then there is in fact no ‘space and time’ in one’s Mind to do real self-reflection / introspection as your mind is occupied with another (or many) all of the time. Many might in this moment have a look at this and go: “But, what would exist if I don’t think about love /relationships / sex all of the time?” – and here, we’ll get to explaining what it means to get to know the ‘real self’, what it means to for a moment in your life let go of the possession / obsession when it comes to sex / relationships and what it would mean to develop an agreement with another human being that is not based on you wanting to distract yourself from your own mind / problems / issues; but an agreement that would lead to the creation of relationships / sex on an EQUAL and ONE level – really CREATING a relationship, and not just FALLING into relationships / sex based on feeling energy that is driving / motivating you.

We’ll continue more in the next post.

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