Relationships are the Light that Shines Away the Darkness of Me - DAY 488

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Ten)

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another change with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used and abused both my Mind and Body – to hide from myself, from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me. With fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness being no exception – as this fear and emotional experience connected to being alone / lonely is one such thing that exists within me that I was trying to suppress within me by using my Mind to cover it up with positive feelings / experiences that I believed only a relationship / someone else could give me.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how the more I covered up and hid such fears / emotional experiences – the more they became repressed into the depths of my physical body, as far and as deep as possible. Yet within this not seeing/realising and understanding that “I can hide, but I can’t run” from myself and that eventually, such suppression of fears / emotions would contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress I embody on a mental and physical level when/as a loved one suddenly dies / I am separated from them by circumstance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with me when it came to my relationship with alone / lonely and the emotional energy I attached to such words as ideas within my Mind, especially when it came to the fact that I was suppressing such ideas and emotions by using either my Fantasies / the reality of my relationship with someone to ensure that such ideas and their emotions do not seep through into my Conscious reality – but remains hidden from myself as I for a moment bask in the delight of Fantasies and/or Reality when it comes to relationships – shining a light into my own Mind and World to ensure the reality of the darkness only just beyond the light of positive feelings / experience remains as far back and far away from my Conscious reality as possible.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used Fantasies / the Reality of a Relationship as a light switch – the moment I fantasize about relationships, a light goes on that shifts the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences farther back into my Mind and Body and/or the moment I have a relationship in reality – the light STAYS ON, because now I have a constant ‘light’ in my Mind and my World that ensures the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences in my Mind stays as far back and deep in my Mind and Body as possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness – contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress when a ‘loved one’ / ‘person close to me’ suddenly dies / am separated from them by circumstance – where, I was not aware of the extent to which I suppressed this fear within me and in that moment the separation from such a person manifested: the fears that I have suppressed into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and being came rushing back.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my dependency on another person as being my ‘light’ to shine away the darkness of my own Mind / World – only made matters worse for myself; because with every beginning there is an end; and when/as this person was lost from my mind and from my world – the light switch of positive energy / experiences and sensations went off and I was left alone with myself – no more ‘light’ to cover up the darkness, the fears, the emotions I suppressed and repressed in my Mind and Body; and so they all came rushing back in that one moment of realising the light in my Mind and World is not there anymore – and once again I was where I had been before: alone with me and everything that defined ‘me’ before I started the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and ‘hide’ from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me when it came to the relationship with me, my Mind and what goes on inside of me. Especially within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships and/or the fantasies thereof to hide from myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand myself, to understand the things I fear / react to inside myself, to take responsibility for the things I do not want to admit exists within me, to stand up from the things I gave up on within myself and my life and to find perspective, commonsense and clarity on the things I reacted to emotionally. To no more use / abuse my Mind and Body to suppress the darkness of me, to no more use / abuse Relationships as a place in this world to continue hiding from myself – but to make a stand within me, in my relationship to my own Mind – walk into the darkness and sort myself out with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application, so that my relationship with myself, my body and so others in my world / reality can be / become more than just places I’ve used to hide within – but find/discover who I am if I walk through my own fears and learn what it means to create with the potential I have in relation to my Mind, Body and others in my world  /reality.

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.

Taming the Wild Nature of the Mind: DAY 467

We were in the process of preparing the horses’ stables on a very hot day. Grootman (Fidelis’s horse) was sprayed down with the hosepipe to help him cool-off and we had put him in his stable – when the next horse up for a spray-down was Fat (Cerise’s horse). Fat was on the other side of the stables and Cerise was calling him – and it was this moment, Cerise calling her horse and the way he responded – where I had seen years of working on a relationship with her horse, with dedication, patience and perseverance: come together.

She was calling for his attention with her voice – she has a very specific tonality that she uses with him and she always keeps to that very specific pitch when she’s calling him. This tonality / voice pitch she has been using consistently throughout the years. So, the moment she uses that specific tonality – she first gets his attention and he stops in is tracks and he looks at her. Once she got his attention – his eyes fixed on her, she uses her index finger with a ‘come to me’ motion, pulling her index-finger towards her very fast as to indicate to him to come to her. He was initially resistant, because he was waiting for her at his stable – ready to go in, with the luscious and delicious Lucerne and Oat Hay waiting for him in his stable: for the horses – the Lucerne and Oat Hay are a real treat. But, Cerise first wanted to hose him down to help is body cool off after a hot day – reaching 35 Degrees Celsius and still, by 16:30 in the afternoon – the temperature was close to unbearable. It was interesting to observe how Fat was backing off a bit and moving closer to his stable; for a moment in an inner-conflict, because he WANTS to go to the stable to have his ‘treats’ – but, at the same time he knows he has to go to Cerise. So, Cerise would call him and he would move closer, but back down a bit and then move closer, but back down – like the two of them communicating, where Fat would say to her “No! I want to go to my treats” and Cerise would say to him “Come here, we’re spraying you down first”. So, eventually – she walked closer to him, becoming more stern in her voice and motion with the finger, this time also using her body – getting his attention, using the finger-motion  and then walking backwards – leading him towards her and the hosepipe. When she did this – became more earnest in her request for him to come to her, he followed her – standing on one spot where she instructed him to stand and he waited patiently while she was hosing him down and then afterwards lead him to his stable.

To develop such a relationship with a horse – where communication is through sound and physical movements is no easy feat. Anyone that has worked with horses knows that to establish such a relationship between human and horse is quite a process; where both have to equally align into/as a ‘language’ each-other understands. This process for Cerise has taken about 6 years, using various techniques – primarily Parelli – where, when Fat looks at her and she looks at him: you can actually see the connection between them, it’s awesome.

I have walked with Cerise for quite some time – and she would always be out riding Fat, working with him, with such persistence and dedication, it was fascinating to see in that one moment of interaction between the two of them: how years came together to establish such a communication/relationship between the two of them. The point that opened up within this is: we often do not see immediately, how our dedication / commitment to something/someone will unfold throughout days / months / years until you look back. Even with having a look at the process we’re walking with Desteni through the Mind – the moment-to-moment dedication and commitment that create a relationship with self and self’s living that will be seen as one look back to how/who one was before in the Mind / Process and how one had changed through applying/living the tools in the months/years one incorporated it into oneself / one’s living.

This is what I will be continuing with in posts to come – utilizing this relationship between Cerise and her Horse and how specifically this relates to our relationship with ourselves and our process, even with regards to our relationship to others and eventually this World / Reality. This specifically when it comes to time and patience, and also in relation to the ‘wild nature’ of the Mind – with thoughts and emotions that go undirected / unquestioned because we’re not taking directive principled responsibility in our Minds and the consequence this creates within ourselves and our lives.

Eternal Darkness: DAY 463

 

The other day, Adam asked me the following question: “where do you go when you leave your body?” I explained to him how most of the time, especially when the other beings come through the Portal, I am in my own body and cross-reference the words / explanations / points that the beings communicate through the Portal in their interviews; or I move through and check into/as the multi-dimensions of this physical existence – Nature, the Animals, the Earth etc. But, what also came up while I was explaining to him where I go and what I do - was one of my ‘favourite’ places to go: the Atom.

There’s a centre-point within the Atom where it is completely quiet – there’re only darkness, an eternal darkness. When you’re in that point, it feels like everything / everyone in existence disappears for a moment and only you remain / exist. So, what I often do here is ‘float’ within this space of eternal darkness and check myself on all levels of my beingness. Because of the silence, the darkness – there is nothing externally moving, so if anything moves within me, even the subtlest shift / change: I know it’s something I have to work with / investigate, because there is nothing externally stimulating any movements/reactions within me / my beingness so therefore – there’s literally no place to ‘hide’ from myself in this point within the Atom.

In and as such eternal darkness, absolute silence – there is no way one can blame anything / anyone for any movements/shifts/reactions within self, because there isn’t anything / anyone around: it’s only self, here. So, as I was opening up this point in discussion with Adam – I looked at the following:

When we’re constantly being stimulated – through the physical senses and also through our mind/consciousness by our interactions with the external physical environment and also other human beings: it becomes easier to blame everything / everyone else for what happens within our minds and our emotional/feeling experiences. This is because that something / someone that triggered/activated a thought/imagination/reaction within us is ‘so close’, like ‘right in front of us’ (and because many human beings do not yet understand how the Mind/Consciousness operate/functions with regards to how our external environment triggers thoughts and emotions/reactions) – we often blame everything/everyone else for who/how we are in moments. When, in fact: as we’re interacting with our external environment and everything/everyone within it: we’re constantly/continuously triggering/activating various things in our Minds and Bodies – but, it’s not “the other” that is to blame / that is responsible for creating the thoughts/reactions in our Minds: that we do ourselves, that is where our personal responsibility exists in relation to who we are in thought, word and deed.

Many might be able to relate to the following example where we’d have an argument with someone and we’d say: “YOU made me angry”. This would be illustrative of how we’d blame another for our own emotional reaction within the Mind, when it’s not in fact that the other made one angry – there is no way that the other person is within one’s mind/body and created the emotional anger within self. The other was simply a point that triggered a thought / memory within one’s own Mind that produced the emotion of anger – but the moment of becoming angry, of participating in the anger within one’s Mind: that’s ALL on self and self alone. So, if one would investigate the Mind / oneself in the moment – one may actually find that a thought came up of “they’re really just saying this/that to make me angry” and it was that thought that produced the emotion of anger within self. It’s in fact thoughts / memories and various other constructs in our Minds that produce emotions / feelings – no-one and nothing else creates what we do in our Minds but ourselves.

What I’d like to show here is: when one is alone with oneself – one really gain perspective of how much of the stuff we participate in and experience within the Mind: we do to ourselves, we’re solely responsible for. Realising this, makes it a lot easier to take responsibility for what we accept and allow in our thoughts and emotions; and how we can assist/support ourselves and our relationship with others with stopping blaming everything/everyone else for who we are in our Minds, but in fact change ourselves and direct our own thoughts/emotions.

We’ll continue more in the next post