Relationships are the Light that Shines Away the Darkness of Me - DAY 488

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Ten)

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another change with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used and abused both my Mind and Body – to hide from myself, from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me. With fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness being no exception – as this fear and emotional experience connected to being alone / lonely is one such thing that exists within me that I was trying to suppress within me by using my Mind to cover it up with positive feelings / experiences that I believed only a relationship / someone else could give me.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how the more I covered up and hid such fears / emotional experiences – the more they became repressed into the depths of my physical body, as far and as deep as possible. Yet within this not seeing/realising and understanding that “I can hide, but I can’t run” from myself and that eventually, such suppression of fears / emotions would contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress I embody on a mental and physical level when/as a loved one suddenly dies / I am separated from them by circumstance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with me when it came to my relationship with alone / lonely and the emotional energy I attached to such words as ideas within my Mind, especially when it came to the fact that I was suppressing such ideas and emotions by using either my Fantasies / the reality of my relationship with someone to ensure that such ideas and their emotions do not seep through into my Conscious reality – but remains hidden from myself as I for a moment bask in the delight of Fantasies and/or Reality when it comes to relationships – shining a light into my own Mind and World to ensure the reality of the darkness only just beyond the light of positive feelings / experience remains as far back and far away from my Conscious reality as possible.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I have used Fantasies / the Reality of a Relationship as a light switch – the moment I fantasize about relationships, a light goes on that shifts the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences farther back into my Mind and Body and/or the moment I have a relationship in reality – the light STAYS ON, because now I have a constant ‘light’ in my Mind and my World that ensures the darkness of my fears and emotional experiences in my Mind stays as far back and deep in my Mind and Body as possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my fear of being alone and the emotional experience of loneliness – contribute to the moment of shock, trauma and stress when a ‘loved one’ / ‘person close to me’ suddenly dies / am separated from them by circumstance – where, I was not aware of the extent to which I suppressed this fear within me and in that moment the separation from such a person manifested: the fears that I have suppressed into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and being came rushing back.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my dependency on another person as being my ‘light’ to shine away the darkness of my own Mind / World – only made matters worse for myself; because with every beginning there is an end; and when/as this person was lost from my mind and from my world – the light switch of positive energy / experiences and sensations went off and I was left alone with myself – no more ‘light’ to cover up the darkness, the fears, the emotions I suppressed and repressed in my Mind and Body; and so they all came rushing back in that one moment of realising the light in my Mind and World is not there anymore – and once again I was where I had been before: alone with me and everything that defined ‘me’ before I started the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and ‘hide’ from the things I reacted to negatively / emotionally, from the things that I was afraid to confront, from the things I believed I could not handle, from the things I did not understand, from the things I gave up on about myself and my life and from the things I refused to admit exists within me when it came to the relationship with me, my Mind and what goes on inside of me. Especially within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships and/or the fantasies thereof to hide from myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand myself, to understand the things I fear / react to inside myself, to take responsibility for the things I do not want to admit exists within me, to stand up from the things I gave up on within myself and my life and to find perspective, commonsense and clarity on the things I reacted to emotionally. To no more use / abuse my Mind and Body to suppress the darkness of me, to no more use / abuse Relationships as a place in this world to continue hiding from myself – but to make a stand within me, in my relationship to my own Mind – walk into the darkness and sort myself out with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application, so that my relationship with myself, my body and so others in my world / reality can be / become more than just places I’ve used to hide within – but find/discover who I am if I walk through my own fears and learn what it means to create with the potential I have in relation to my Mind, Body and others in my world  /reality.

In the next post, I will continue with explaining the detail of how we’ve used suppression in the Mind and Body – why it is that everything we’ve suppressed in the Mind within/during a relationship comes rushing back the moment you realise the dependency is not in your world/reality anymore that you used to hold your suppressions in the Mind; and finally – how this influence our Minds and Physical Bodies. To within this, see / realise and understand the Potential we’re taking for granted in relation to the Mind and Body and our relationship with others, if we’d stop living in fear / hiding from our own Minds and start give ourselves the opportunity to start living and so creating ourselves and our relationship with others.

Relationships are the Cure for Loneliness: DAY 487

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Nine)

In the next post and posts to come – we will continue with the Self Forgiveness Process, focusing on that initial real purpose for/of relationship, what Negative things were covered up / suppressed by the Positive things experienced / that was dependent on the relationship and how this creates MENTAL-RELATIONSHIPS, and what would REAL PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIPS be if/6as our starting point for relationships was not based on emotional/feeling energy, but two individuals walking / living as EQUALS.

This is the cycle we get caught up in, ‘looking for love’ – love encompassing all the positive feelings filled into one bowl within our Minds, where all the positive feelings we’re looking for / searching for from another / in a relationship / sex unites in our Minds / Bodies for a moment to be able to drive / motivate ourselves to just not have to look at ourselves, our problems / issues…our own Minds and what really goes on in there. So, ‘love’ – the search for it / yearning for it and how it preoccupies / possesses our minds, in fact functions as a distraction…a distraction from ourselves, our own minds / who we are.

In and from this blog – we’re going to start the Self Forgiveness Process of exposing thoughts and emotions that often fuel the desire / yearning for relationships, such thoughts and emotions that we tend to not take self-responsibility for and so make ourselves believe that hiding and suppressing them within relationships will ‘make them go away / disappear’; when in fact – they always in some way or another come back / linger in the back of our minds…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of loneliness, being in that deep dark abyss of nothingness where it feels like I’m so disconnected from everything and everyone around me – as though I have been forgotten by the world, pushing me into the experience of being SO isolated – that I so YEARN for a connection, for a touch, for a kiss, being held – just that someone to ‘be here’ with me in this aloneness – where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this / such loneliness that only I know of within myself, that is so intimate and so deep within myself – will be ‘cured’ or even understood by another human being…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how it is that I am creating this aloneness as an emotional experience of loneliness within myself, my own Mind - based on the thoughts and emotions I participate in – such as “I am so alone / lonely” / “I need someone” / “I need to feel loved” / “no one loves me” / “why can’t I have someone that loves me”, essentially manipulating myself with my own thoughts and emotions. 

In so doing, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how I am creating my own problem as the emotional experience of loneliness as the negative polarity and from there – my own ‘solution’ as the positive polarity – that being a ‘relationship’. But, it’s interesting that I never consider how and why it is that I am, with my own Mind, my own thoughts and emotions – creating this problem-solution polarity in my Mind with negative and positive emotions and feelings. 

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever introspect / investigate what it is I am creating – and so accepting and allowing in my own Mind with my thoughts and emotions when it comes to the negative polarity of the emotional experience of loneliness, feeling isolated / disconnected and so alone and considering how this would change – if I let go, forgive such thoughts and emotions – where my starting point for a relationship is then not based on my fear of being alone / lonely; using a relationship to suppress / hide this fear – but that I can approach a relationship with a decision to create something more with someone, rather than using someone / a relationship for me to hide from my own fears, my own thoughts and so my own emotions for which I am not taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question – how it is possible for relationships to be/become ‘more’ if/as the starting point thereof is ‘fear of loneliness’, because as long as the starting point for the relationship is ‘fear of loneliness’ / ‘being alone’ – then everything about the relationship would be dishonest, because all the words, experiences and behaviours will be driven by this fear in some way or another and so what this places into question is “what can I trust about myself / the relationship if everything that I am in the relationship is driven / motivated by this fear?” If anything, what relationships and the condition thereof within humanity has proven is that each one always in some way or another – ends up in the place within themselves that they fear: alone together with the emotional companion of loneliness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with myself when it comes to what it is that I am yearning for / searching for in a relationship with another – for example, looking at this fear of experiencing and facing this loneliness – even though I may find this ‘someone’, ‘the one’:  they never seem to really fulfil this deep, seemingly never-ending yearning for a connection and so I would eventually compromise and ‘settle for less’ where I would justify / excuse / validate how they ‘show their love’ as being ENOUGH – but still, this yearning, this want / need / desire for something MORE will remain within me and/or eventually be suppressed

In the next post we’ll open up more dimensions of the consequence that fear of loneliness / being alone manifest within relationships – how such a fear can compromise self and one’s relationship with another. Then finally – what is the solution to such a fear and how would self change and so one’s relationship with another with taking responsibility for such thoughts and emotions.

Eternal Darkness: DAY 463

 

The other day, Adam asked me the following question: “where do you go when you leave your body?” I explained to him how most of the time, especially when the other beings come through the Portal, I am in my own body and cross-reference the words / explanations / points that the beings communicate through the Portal in their interviews; or I move through and check into/as the multi-dimensions of this physical existence – Nature, the Animals, the Earth etc. But, what also came up while I was explaining to him where I go and what I do - was one of my ‘favourite’ places to go: the Atom.

There’s a centre-point within the Atom where it is completely quiet – there’re only darkness, an eternal darkness. When you’re in that point, it feels like everything / everyone in existence disappears for a moment and only you remain / exist. So, what I often do here is ‘float’ within this space of eternal darkness and check myself on all levels of my beingness. Because of the silence, the darkness – there is nothing externally moving, so if anything moves within me, even the subtlest shift / change: I know it’s something I have to work with / investigate, because there is nothing externally stimulating any movements/reactions within me / my beingness so therefore – there’s literally no place to ‘hide’ from myself in this point within the Atom.

In and as such eternal darkness, absolute silence – there is no way one can blame anything / anyone for any movements/shifts/reactions within self, because there isn’t anything / anyone around: it’s only self, here. So, as I was opening up this point in discussion with Adam – I looked at the following:

When we’re constantly being stimulated – through the physical senses and also through our mind/consciousness by our interactions with the external physical environment and also other human beings: it becomes easier to blame everything / everyone else for what happens within our minds and our emotional/feeling experiences. This is because that something / someone that triggered/activated a thought/imagination/reaction within us is ‘so close’, like ‘right in front of us’ (and because many human beings do not yet understand how the Mind/Consciousness operate/functions with regards to how our external environment triggers thoughts and emotions/reactions) – we often blame everything/everyone else for who/how we are in moments. When, in fact: as we’re interacting with our external environment and everything/everyone within it: we’re constantly/continuously triggering/activating various things in our Minds and Bodies – but, it’s not “the other” that is to blame / that is responsible for creating the thoughts/reactions in our Minds: that we do ourselves, that is where our personal responsibility exists in relation to who we are in thought, word and deed.

Many might be able to relate to the following example where we’d have an argument with someone and we’d say: “YOU made me angry”. This would be illustrative of how we’d blame another for our own emotional reaction within the Mind, when it’s not in fact that the other made one angry – there is no way that the other person is within one’s mind/body and created the emotional anger within self. The other was simply a point that triggered a thought / memory within one’s own Mind that produced the emotion of anger – but the moment of becoming angry, of participating in the anger within one’s Mind: that’s ALL on self and self alone. So, if one would investigate the Mind / oneself in the moment – one may actually find that a thought came up of “they’re really just saying this/that to make me angry” and it was that thought that produced the emotion of anger within self. It’s in fact thoughts / memories and various other constructs in our Minds that produce emotions / feelings – no-one and nothing else creates what we do in our Minds but ourselves.

What I’d like to show here is: when one is alone with oneself – one really gain perspective of how much of the stuff we participate in and experience within the Mind: we do to ourselves, we’re solely responsible for. Realising this, makes it a lot easier to take responsibility for what we accept and allow in our thoughts and emotions; and how we can assist/support ourselves and our relationship with others with stopping blaming everything/everyone else for who we are in our Minds, but in fact change ourselves and direct our own thoughts/emotions.

We’ll continue more in the next post