Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490

Relationships: Hope and Fear of Death - DAY 490

The Moment of Shock

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Twelve)

I will in the next post continue more with how suppression influence our Minds and Bodies and so affects our words and behaviour and what we create and so experience in our relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how all my mind-suppressions within and during a long-term relationship – contributed to the moment of shock, trauma and stress that my physical body endured; the moment I knew and realised that the individual will not be in my life anymore. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment separate myself from me, from breath, from the physical body – where I went into a state where it for a moment felt like everything went quiet within me, this darkness overwhelming me, my heart racing, my breathing becoming heavy and fast, my body shaking – with still a part of me holding onto hope, while everything within me was showing ‘it is done’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to then take a moment and introspect / investigate this shift that manifested within me, where I was in a state of silence – everything stopping within me, yet my physical body was embodying the state / condition of shock, trauma and stress. How, what happens within and during a long-term relationships – is a ‘timelessness’ is created within the Mind, where you make yourself believe that you control the timing of death and/or the unpredictability of life and so therefore can hold onto the individual in such a way where death and/or separation by circumstance does not exist within and as you. Fascinating how, the more you say ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘we will always be together’ / ‘nothing can ever happen that will separate me from you’…what such words in fact translate is the extent of fear that is existent within the Mind in relation to death / separation by circumstance that you try and cover up with ‘beautiful words’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words ‘you’re not going to die anytime soon’ / ‘you will be alive and well until then’ / ‘you and the body are fine’ / ‘you have to make sure you don’t die before then’ – nothing will happen to you anytime soon’ as beautiful cover-ups for the reality of the fact that I do not control death, I do not control the life path of an individual when it comes to death; but I did not want to within myself accept the reality of this relationship to death and the unpredictable nature of life and the fact that I do not have any control / choice within it all – because I was afraid to accept it and with that acceptance, was afraid of what it would reveal / expose about me, my relationship with the other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how such statements of delusion was rooted in ‘hope’, where – because of the fear of death / separation by circumstance, I irresponsibly rather shifted into ‘hope’ within myself that I would perpetuate and feed with such statements spoken out loud / within myself – as though some force within existence will hear my plea and not let such things as Death / Separation by circumstance come to pass – and only come to pass when I say that I am ready. Not seeing, realising and understanding that I would never have been ready, because I did not face the fears in my mind, I was not self-honest with my relationship to such fears – but instead hid it behind hope and beautiful words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the fear of death / separation by circumstance from another behind hope / beautiful words – not realising how such an accepted and allowed suppression would contribute to the physical moment of shock, trauma and stress in that: I had created an alternate reality in my Mind where I made myself believe, with hope and beautiful words that I do in some way control life and death, that I can decide when a moment of separation can come to pass – but then…the unpredictable nature of life and death came knocking in/as the most unexpected of moments – reminding me of the fact that I do not control death; and it is in that moment that the shock, trauma and stress of loss can manifest to such an extent; as all your suppressions were futile and the eventuality of facing yourself, the suppressions is right here – physically manifested: nowhere to run and nowhere to hide / suppress – but facing yourself and your acceptances and allowances.

In the next post, I will continue with how this polarity-separation of hope and fear contribute to a split that manifests within and as self, a split from self, the body and so reality – into an alternate reality in the mind, that contribute to the extent of impact shock, trauma and stress manifest within self and so the physical body; and how to assist and support oneself to practically prepare oneself and so face the reality of the fact that death is unpredictable and so minimize the effect of shock, trauma and stress the moment something unpredictable happens in your relationship  with yourself / another.